she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
