Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
