I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
