I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
