He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
