aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
