there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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