Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
