i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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