My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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