I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize