Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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