how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
