your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize