alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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