Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
