you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
