Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
