I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
