I want to have your abortion
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The best revenge is premature balding
he fucked my hip out of place.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
