i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
