i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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