remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize