I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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