she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
