I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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