I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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