we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
