he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
