It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
