Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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