He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
