have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
