I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
