Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
