just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
