How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
