woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
