I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
