We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
