You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
