peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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