can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
