He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
