When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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