the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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