I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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