I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
