Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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