My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
