if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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