He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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