oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
there is glitter all over my balls
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
