No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
