porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
