I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
