My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
