I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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