In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
We got so high we made milksteak
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
