I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
