Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
