I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
