I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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