Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
